My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
