Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Randomize
