sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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