I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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