I heard we made out
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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