Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
