Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
