This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
