just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
