just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
