dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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