And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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