how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
