Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
