if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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