i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
