Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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