I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize