I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
