i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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