Just cropdusted the office
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
