I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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