Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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