I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You can't motorboat a personality
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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