We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
