Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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