Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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