i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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