I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize