he looks like a really good dad on facebook
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
