i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
