I saw his package. It spoke to me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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