Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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