I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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