Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
