He had one of those small greek statue penises
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
