we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
