Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
