I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
