you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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