meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
