Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Say something about gay babies.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
