my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
