I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
