I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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