Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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