I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
