The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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