my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
