I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
All the doctor said was why
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
