youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
