his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
