shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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