I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
