I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
