Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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