I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize