If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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