he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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