Already got asked if we're dating
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
